Re: [CR]Sad news delayed till after the Cirque

(Example: Framebuilders:Chris Pauley)

From: "Wspokes" <wspokes@penn.com>
To: "ClassicRendezvous" <Classicrendezvous@bikelist.org>, "Larry Osborn" <losborn2@wvu.edu>
References: <4.0.1.20020507185738.010785f0@wvugrpwise1.wvu.edu>
Subject: Re: [CR]Sad news delayed till after the Cirque
Date: Wed, 8 May 2002 13:29:35 -0400


Great post Larry, exactly what I have learned from years of abuse and mistreatment in High school, racing as an unattached, and to the upper tier I face now in my job...just recently I had an experience when in Texas. I sat in that class and watched all these career driven people talking about crappe, sheer crappe. Stuff that amounts to nothing in life. No enjoyment in any of there eyes. just constant talk about getting ahead in their jobs. I didn't fit in, but I learned the material in class just the same as they did and when the instructor said, you can go now or stay around a practice this stuff for an hour...I was off driving up to Lake Lewisville and Lake Dallas to try and see some nice scenery and get away from that huge Dallas/Fort Worth crowd. I felt like shit sitting there and literally having people ask me, what job role are you aiming for...I am going to bid on a Unit Manager or I just got advanced to CFO in MIS. Screw that, I am putting in my time so I can get the **** away from people like you...when I simply responded, I like my simple role and the grunt work. no one messes with me and it works just fine. I realized this simple response stunned these people and made them really wonder...really really wonder. I knew I didn't fit in, it didn't matter. I didn't have a PDA, a laptop, a cellphone. I had a calling card. I called home to my mom, dad, and girlfriend...not calling to work to check voicemails or system status. I learned long ago that sometimes the simple fact that I wouldn't grant people the satisfaction of signing off too early...it might make them happy. I toughed things out. I found recently that I have been coming to terms with many things that have really bothered me over the past 4 years. The fact that life isn't perfect...it took me 31 years to realize this? kind of. I found that I am not going to cry over a lost job, a loss in finances, a loss of a friend is def worth the tears but I am not going to stop myself. Who cares if I lost my fitness level I once excelled at...I am still the same person (actually 40 pounds more). I am coming to terms and I hope this post isn't all for nothing. If anything, I hope it allows a great deal of others who are depressed or feeling down that we all feel that way. I hope they can see that there is always, I mean always! a purpose or something to feel good about. Driving out of Dallas and back up to Oklahoma, I looked around and those feelings I had at the seminars washed away in the sunlight and the beautiful surroundings. When I got back to Okay, Oklahoma and saw my aunt's big dog greet me at the gates and the horses all happy because they knew I would groom them again...it was all worth it. I hope the words that everyone shares helps!

Walter Skrzypek
Falls Creek, Pa


----- Original Message -----
From: Larry Osborn
To: classicrendezvous@bikelist.org
Sent: Wednesday, May 08, 2002 12:50 PM
Subject: Re: [CR]Sad news delayed till after the Cirque



> Difficult writing earlier, knowing this was hovering in the background, but
> just waiting for official notification by Dale, and some sort of clue as to
> a cause before commenting. Not one for discussing my past, or even my
> present with many people, but this group really has become extended family,
> with a few individuals I'm very attached to. So, serious intent, just my
> way of coping, but I find even now I cannot change the way I express
> myself. Skip straight to the punch line if you would rather not wade
> through the babble.
>
> Mike and Dale were my first new friends at the first Cirque. Dale is Dale,
> and has such an obviously generous soul you can't help but notice him and
> immediately let him into your life. More time and effort were required
> with Mike. He caught me taking photos of his Carlton, seemed genuinely
> surprised that anybody would care about it, so we introduced ourselves,
> shared our mutual ignorance of Carltons for a while, and also discovered a
> shared interest in aiplanes, about which we were both much less ignorant.
> The essence of the Cirque in a nutshell. Got it right the first time.
> Thanks Dale. Sent him copies of the photos, and in later correspondence he
> used the headbadge photo as a letterhead, which I thought was a nice way
> of saying "thanks". Also sent that photo to Dale, my first contribution in
> the early days of the CR website. So anytime I go to the Carlton section I
> smile at the memory of Mike and I both hearing a sudden large gust of wind
> approaching (it was an outdoor event at the time), and frantically grabbing
> as many display bikes and canopy legs as possible before they all toppled.
> Enough presence of mind to save our loved ones, the lightweights, at the
> expense of some of the ballooners. Physical humor and involuntary
> expletives. A classic combination. And you thought it was just a headbadge
> photo. Never close enough to become more than swap buddies, but I looked
> forward to seeing him every year. Yes, it was obvious that something was
> bothering him Saturday. However, with a similar personality, and my own
> wildly unpredictable mood swings as a frame of reference, if people asked
> what was wrong every time I became quiet and withdrawn, well, lets just say
> the constant interruptions would drive me crazy. So I respected his
> privacy and didn't butt in very hard. He was among closer friends.
>
> Not going to pretend to understand what makes someone choose that path.
> Lost a couple other friends this way. Relatively young, physically healthy
> people. Still totally baffled by their choice. Possibly a physiological
> difference between them and me that made the critical difference when
> teetering on the brink. I certainly hope so, if only for my own sake, and a
> couple other friends who I see possibly reaching that decision point some
> day. But I can't be sure, and I'm certainly not going to depend on THIS
> body to save me. Often accused now of having a hyperactive sense of self
> preservation out on the bike, driving, flying, and even in other less
> hazardous environments, but it's something I had to learn, sort of a side
> effect of past experiences. One of many survival strategies now firmly in
> place. Just one many little personality quirks that friends/family have
> adjusted to. But during some seriously dark times of my life, when even
> humor and laughter were only distant memories, and nowhere in sight in any
> direction, I accidentally learned something. This seems like a suitable
> opportunity to pass it along. Maybe this comes naturally to most people,
> but it didn't for me. It certainly comes naturally to those pathetic
> individuals who need to get their jollies by making other people's lives
> miserable. I knew there were people who, while maybe they wouldn't go so
> far as to dance on my grave, would certainly be glad to see me gone. But I
> had to discover that just my continued resistance and existence would drive
> those people totally batshit. I didn't have to do anything more than
> breath. I just had to be. And some days, just that knowledge was enough. I
> still marvel at the simplicity of that discovery. And when I felt just a
> little better I could be more creative about "annoying" them (CR rules
> forbid me from using my normal vocabulary, so euphemisms will have to do)
> which I guess is just my non-physical way of fighting back, find humor and
> satisfaction in that creative process, and, once able to laugh again,
> slowly crawl back out of the black hole and find something a little more
> positive to do. It's not a competition, I don't have to win, I don't have
> to become a full-time bastard myself (just when dealing with bastards), I
> just have to be who I am. There are people in this world who deserve to be
> "annoyed", have some of their crap flung right back at them, and I just
> could not and cannot roll over and let the bastards win at my expense. It's
> become almost a reflex now, a conditioned response. Years of practice.
> Anger is a good thing, when properly aimed. Anger works pretty well for
> keeping me out of that hole. Maybe it just works for me, but I know I
> always have anger and spite to fall back on now.
>
> Certainly this isn't textbook psychiatry, but most of the shrinks I've
> encountered as friends and acquaintances were/are more screwed up than me.
> Another revelation at the time. Perhaps that's one of those cosmic catches.
> Catch 42. The mental health professions seem to attract people who need
> professional mental health care themselves. When you realize the shrink is
> a loon, you're free to go. Just personal opinion, one of the firmly
> established little rules that brings order to my life, but if a shrink is
> seeing a shrink, he/she has no business messing with MY mind. So as has
> been so often the case, I had to heal myself. This is what I would have
> told Mike if I had known what was going on in his world: If everything
> else fails, just don't let the bastards win. Until something better comes
> along, ANGER AND SPITE ARE PERFECTLY GOOD REASONS TO GO ON LIVING.
>
> My deepest sympathies go out to Dale, and Mike's family and other friends.
> I hope he has found the peace that eluded him in this life.
>
> Still "annoying" people on an as-needed basis, even if only just to keep
in

> practice.

> Osborn