I nominate this for the posting of the day!
> From: "Ted E. Baer" <email@example.com>
> Date: Thu, 2 Dec 2004 09:50:23 -0800 (PST)
> To: firstname.lastname@example.org
> Subject: [CR]Bike Project and 1962 Frejus Paint Source
> Just woke up to find 92 emails in my in-box. At first
> glance I noticed the subject line on many of the
> emails said "spades" and "bikes as urinals." Rather
> odd I thought. But not really.
> My next door neighbor is a real dirt bag; total white
> trash. Her husband works out of the house and she had
> a failed business and now just sits around, gets
> drunk, and screams and threatens other neighbors. How
> did this person get a place in Palo Alto? The
> landlord is a "slumlord." Stay with me; this is
> I'm guessing that her husband lifts the toilet seat to
> take a leak (as most men with proper manners do.) And
> when she goes in, you can hear her slam that toilet
> seat down with a vengeance. So I thought it would be
> funny to make some kind of a noise to "answer" the
> slamming of the seat. I found an old bell with a
> handle and set it down on the floor next to my
> computer. Then it happened; she slammed that toilet
> seat and I reached down and rang the bell (just like I
> did as an altar boy in my youth.) The first couple of
> times she didn't get it. But by about the 3rd or 4th
> time she did. Her response was to lift the toilet
> seat and slam it repeatedly--(harder with each slam.)
> Then I downloaded some sound-bytes of rockets,
> explosions, a man getting shot, a lion roaring and
> used all of those on her. That's when she blew a
> fuse. She came out onto the back upper deck with a 2
> by 4 and started slamming it against the guard rail as
> hard as she could while shouting obscenities.
> The Bike Part: I have an old 1962 Frejus. This bike
> is sitting around collecting dust.
> The Plan: I want to rig up a toilet (on four little
> rubber wheels) and then attach it to the headtube and
> front wheel QR. The toilet will sit about six inches
> out in front of the bicycle facing and rolling
> forward. Turning is not a factor with which I need be
> concerned with as I am simply going to ride this bike
> up and down my street in front of this lady's house.
> My plan is to have the lid bolted in the upright
> position. I somehow need to rig up the toilet seat so
> that a cam, chain, or belt lifts the seat to a
> 60-degree angle and then allows the seat to drop and
> "slam" down onto the bowl. I want this urinal/bike to
> lift and drop the seat with greater speed as pedal
> speed increases.
> I have decided to dress up like the "Tidy Bowl Man"
> and pedal this bike up and down my street.
> I want this toilet-bike to look like a snapping
> alligator in motion as I cruise down the street. The
> old Frejus is kind of a lime green color with chrome
> head lugs. I thought I would paint the toilet lime
> green as well. Does anyone know of a source for this
> old Frejus lime green paint color? Then, I could put
> eyeballs and teeth on the seat so as the seat goes up
> and down it looks like a hungry alligator.
> I forgot to take my Klonopin last night and am on a
> double dose right now............... I'm way out in
> left field.
> Ted Baer
> Palo Alto, CA